What a whirlwind year it has been.
Have you ever looked back on a period of time when you thought you were fucked, only to realize that, even though perhaps fucked, you somehow made it out the other side - but not only that, you made it having succeeded massively?
You felt like you were damned from near the beginning, but as it turned out, you’d been winning at your game of life the entire time without even realizing it?!
I have - and that’s the story of this year.
When I started creating a new body of work for this year’s Hwy 62 Art Tours (our local big, region-wide open studios art show) I had intended on creating about 20 new color-blast pieces on 24x36 canvas, and was well on my way with a handful of them - I had tapped into that long forgotten delightful flow state! Where I allowed myself to be messy, juvenile, extremely spontaneous - “don’t think, just DO”- and absolutely fabulous things were coming of it! Loose, dripping colors, amateurly painted elements, collaged together in wild ways - big folksy symbolist paintings - surreal landscapes - RAINBOWS - ANGELS -
-But that’s when the unthinkable of unthinkable happened - there was a sudden and unexpected death in the family.
To have her - a vibrant and creative powerhouse of heart and soul - wiped away from this earth, at just 36 years old… it broke every heart she ever touched. She hadn’t been herself, to say the least, after the accident that first put her in a coma, and left her with a traumatic brain injury that kept her basically immobile and non-verbal - that incident was already a tragedy - but for her to suddenly die, it ripped away all the hope we all had that someday she might recover to some degree and get to sing again.
I stopped creating. I couldn’t bring myself to. Or when I did, it just wasn’t with the same ecstatic joy that I was showing up with, before her passing. And then I got sick from stress, literally psychologically caused myself to have fevers for weeks - all while I’d been trying to market and fulfill orders for my new (and amazing) kimono collection… I just couldn’t paint.
I began to realize that I felt guilty for creating, when she couldn’t anymore. The idea of starting a completely different brand of outerwear for hiking, that had nothing to do with with Enlightenment Barbie, kept creeping back in. Could I make art and make money without having to rely on the health of my soul to pour into really original hand made pieces? It all seemed to be too much to take - the thought of wanting out, or wanting to press the "easy" button, was palpable - how could I make soulful artwork from a place of brokenness? It just didn't feel possible.
I pursued the idea of an "off brand" aka an "easy button" pretty intensely for a while. Weeks had gone into it, not to mention money, for various product samples and new websites and all that- but somewhere in there I got my enlightenment barbie mojo back -
I looked around my studio and discovered that I had a handful of small canvases.
“Maybe,” I thought, “I should just go back to what I know how to do - regular ol collage.”
That sounded kind of okay to me. All I needed was some good old fashioned printouts of every flower I could possibly want to use, some figures, some textures, and off I could go-
So I set about gathering all that, got everything printed out, and I began.
It was daunting at first, and a couple of the little 8x10’s I made were pretty shitty - not going to lie - but a few of them were really pretty neat. And then a few more got made, and those were really pretty beautiful - and then I thought, let’s keep going-
So I went out and scoured the area, coming home with something like 20 different frames and about a hundred ideas - realizing I should be spending my money on great frames and things like THIS - not some random other brand that has nothing to do with my larger vision -
And I got to work some more.
Along the way, even though I was building momentum, I still had my doubts.
“Isn’t this taking away from the stack of unfinished color burst canvases I have over there?”
“I don’t make small work.”
“Enlightenment Barbie should be about HUGE art, world changing art, not these little canvases-“
“I won’t even be able to finish these little canvases in time for the show - how did I ever think I was going to finish all those bigger ones?”
“People aren’t going to care about these little things-“
But as I had those doubts, I met them with reassurance-
“It’s not taking away from those pieces - those canvases will be there when I’m done with these small pieces - and maybe these small pieces will give me better ideas for the big ones.”
“I don’t make small work… but I’m doing it now, and I’m actually having fun - huh-“
“What if world-changing art can start as small studies? What if world changing art is also about making low stakes, imaginative, fun little things?”
“If I don’t finish it all, it’s going to be okay. The only person who will be disappointed is me, anyway-“
“Maybe people will love these as much as I do.”
And as I worked, eventually more and more got done - I had a whole series of small artworks called the Guru Girls, all with different flavors that seemed to emanate vibes of particular moments in my spiritual experience -
I had a handful of fun western style girls, moody like the pedal steel guitar on a stormy August afternoon,
I had a few blooming garden-heads, moody and ecstatic at once,
I had some studies that I turned into larger pieces, I had a big “First Trip Last Supper” - desert version -that I was working on, even if I knew I may not finish it in time,
And everything was looking really great.
I even made kimonos out of a bunch of the new small artworks, which are absolutely stunning-
And I took many of the small artworks that I loved, and made them available as framed canvas prints on my website -
But as time ticked on, the unfinished 24x36’s in that stack in the studio were calling to me. I was rushing to complete everything I had to, pressing myself to get everything done on a perfect schedule. A terrible feeling of grinding stress had begun to take over - oh, and that family member who passed away? Yeah- just after her memorial, her mother passed away - taken by pancreatic cancer, so incredibly fast - it seemed like the world was falling apart, and it was somehow my duty to have a perfect show amongst all this. To be a hero of art and expression after losing not one, but TWO incredible, big-hearted, creative souls in one fucking year - but wait - why did it have to be so stressful?
It didn’t. I was pushing myself so hard - and I realized that my family members would want me to have fun. I wanted me to have fun, too.
So at the last moment it seemed, I took a big deep breath. I took a day off.
(What a concept, huh?)
I slowed down. I let myself start working at noon. I started going off schedule and just working on what I felt like working on, not whatever I was forcing myself to work on.
And on day 3, I looked over at that wild orange canvas in the corner, and said,
“Maybe I could work on you a little. Let’s just see what happens.”
And somehow, about two hours later, she was finished.
After sitting in my studio for probably 6 months.
Just two hours, and the freedom to let go of perfection, that’s what opened up the possibility to finish her - and I love her!
Then the next day, at noon, I got out my other color burst canvas, and started working.
It wasn’t going to be how I intended, probably, but it was going to be great.
About 5 hours later, SHE was finished, too - and I love her!
And just like that, the show was ready- my work was done. And I stacked up a few of the disparate artworks that I created in these last 8 ish months, thinking “there’s no way these moody ones are going to show well with these crazy colorful ones” - but - I surprised myself again. Because they looked PERFECT together!
Somehow, through wild flights of fancy and great show concept lost to grief, through doubting if I could create again, through finding a way with miniature art, through thinking these small works weren’t enough, then delighting in the process, getting new ideas, going forward, stressing myself out, and finally breaking free into pure enjoyment - I did it.
I didn’t think I was doing it right - but it somehow turned out right, even when I thought I was doing it wrong! It was right all along.
I’ve created somewhere around 45 new images this year. Some of them are big - but most of them are small. And that’s exciting. That’s a lot of images.
I’m just about finished with photographing them all, listing them for sale on my website, and giving them names and little stories… and I’m just about a week away from hanging this show.
My studio is littered with piles of new artwork to show the world - and a whole-ass-rack of beautiful kimonos to put on people’s bodies at the kimono popup there - and I absolutely cannot wait. This is probably going to be the best show I’ve had in years - it’s giving me Enlightenment Barbie ala 1890 Bryant Street studio vibes- circa 2016 - and that’s NUTS.
In the midst of my sadness, frustration, grief, emotional pain, all that - I became the “me” that I thought died when I lost that studio. I’m BACK!
It is really normal to have self-doubt. Absurdly normal. And it’s normal to have periods of wax and wane. And it’s normal to fuck around a little with your process - it’s normal to bend so you don’t break - take heart, friends, and keep going - you might find yourself on the other side of what you went through, unexpectedly celebrating that not only did you make it through - but you did it in flying colors.
See you in October!
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